What you think about when you think about this

Interestingly, I feel like I think about a lot of things in here, much more than when I was in my home country. Maybe because I face many difficulties that make me think about life, like how good life was back then, how scary the future is, how I'm not good enough, how I hate myself for not wanting to make effor to be good enough.

Actually I'm in the middle of exam period and I don't want to study, thus I make a post. I don't know what to talk about so I talk about what I think. I think about a lot of things.

I'm kinda sick of studying. You know when I'm studying and I feel sick of it, I usually stop. But nowadays I told myself "This is for the sake of making the impossible possible. Keep studying." and I feel like crying. It's like the other me is pushing myself when I want to quit, and it feels miserable.

Maybe it's better if I have somebody here. I don't know, somebody who would do this together with me so that we can encourage each other, take a break together, share a good laugh or two. Doing this alone is so stressful.

Sometimes I think it's all just in the mind. I think instead of analysing things too much and feel miserable, I should just do it. Just do it. Don't think about anything, just do it. Don't think whether this will pay off or whether you can lead a happy life if you didn't come here. This is what you should do, just do it.

Well I wish it's as easy as it seems. Maybe it's only in the mind, maybe it's not. Maybe the pain is real.

I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. What I know is that at this moment I don't want to / I'm not in the mood of doing this. My question is: what should I do with this feeling? Brush it off? Should I make a decision with my head or my heart?

Blah.

Chasing Pavement

You know what, guys, I'm going to try to do the impossible.

I will put here what I tweet just now:

- My current predicted result for A level is 3As with C in GP and C/D in Econs. If luckily I can get a scholarsip, maybe to NTU.

- Then I will graduate and apply for a mediocre job. I'll be a mediocre employee who works just to get enough money to live.

- Maybe I'll meet someone in the office and maybe we'll get married. That's all. That's my mediocre future plan.

- But suddenly somebody is asking me to try for the impossible. I told him that it's just a waste of energy, because you know it's impossible.

- But if I'm forced to do it, I have to try to make the impossible possible. That's really not in my future plan.

- What I'm afraid of is that when I've tried to make the impossible possible and I still fail, I will be down and blame myself.

- I'll most probably blame myself for not studying hard enough since secondary school, for not reading enough book, for starting too late.

- Should I just keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere? (Haha the overused quotes)

- And when I fail I will lament over the wasted money and energy. Well yeah the problem is the probability of success is 0.01%.

- I'm supposed to lead a mediocre life. Why put myself in this trouble?

Yeah basically my point is summarized in those tweets. You know if I'm really going to do this impossible thing, I have to prepare for countless essays, interviews, SAT, and I have to work hard to ace Prelims. And the percentage of succeeding is still only 0.01%. Well if I get straight As for Prelim and 2300 for SAT, I would say the percentage will increase to 1%. There are many people in top schools who are going to get straight As for Prelim and maybe perfect score for SAT.

I'm not supposed to do this because I know it's impossible. Someone like me only has 0.01% in succeeding and believe me, it's not an understatement. Somebody who can do this kind of impossible stuff is the top scorer in my secondary school type of guy. I'm the plain lazy ass who never put 100% effort in everything, because I like it. I hate that miserable feeling that you get when you push yourself too much. That urge to shout "Why do I have to do this?" will keep coming to you.

So that is my two cents' worth on this issue. I will try, and I will give you the update next year.

Bleak future

Even at this tender age of 18 I can predict my future.

I will not study hard, I will graduate from a university with decent grade, I will work in this small company as an office lady, I will rent a room somewhere, I will have a meagre salary, and I will work not very diligently, thus I never get any promotion, I won't like my boss, but I won't say anything about it, I won't have any friend, I will make a stop in a shop everyday after work and wish that I can buy those stuff in the store, I may not find any guy that would marry me, I may grow old alone, wishing how nice it would be if I am richer, prettier, smarter, and braver.

I would wish I have that creativity, that talent, that confidence, that ability to be able to be good at what I am doing, that courage to speak up my thoughts, to challenge the world, to stand up against people.