Tuesday, 5 July 2011

What you think about when you think about this

Interestingly, I feel like I think about a lot of things in here, much more than when I was in my home country. Maybe because I face many difficulties that make me think about life, like how good life was back then, how scary the future is, how I'm not good enough, how I hate myself for not wanting to make effor to be good enough.

Actually I'm in the middle of exam period and I don't want to study, thus I make a post. I don't know what to talk about so I talk about what I think. I think about a lot of things.

I'm kinda sick of studying. You know when I'm studying and I feel sick of it, I usually stop. But nowadays I told myself "This is for the sake of making the impossible possible. Keep studying." and I feel like crying. It's like the other me is pushing myself when I want to quit, and it feels miserable.

Maybe it's better if I have somebody here. I don't know, somebody who would do this together with me so that we can encourage each other, take a break together, share a good laugh or two. Doing this alone is so stressful.

Sometimes I think it's all just in the mind. I think instead of analysing things too much and feel miserable, I should just do it. Just do it. Don't think about anything, just do it. Don't think whether this will pay off or whether you can lead a happy life if you didn't come here. This is what you should do, just do it.

Well I wish it's as easy as it seems. Maybe it's only in the mind, maybe it's not. Maybe the pain is real.

I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. What I know is that at this moment I don't want to / I'm not in the mood of doing this. My question is: what should I do with this feeling? Brush it off? Should I make a decision with my head or my heart?

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