Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Why am I always worrying about the future?

I am walking on an asphalt road, with some people walking around, not noticing me.

I look around.

There are some people who are moving slower than me. But there are people who are moving faster.

I look beyond the horizon. There are images of a good future, whatever that is. A nice house, a good job with a good pay, a car, a decent living with a load of money in the pocket. At least that's what I'm thinking about a good future right now.

I heard stories about people who have gone beyond the horizon. They are extraordinary people. They work harder than anybody else. They possess talent more than other people. They have experience.

I look around me. There are people who walk very slow. They believe that staying at where they are is fine. They are usually start off further than me, but they don't think it's necessary to go beyond the horizon and find what's there.

There are people who are faster than me, and it's not because they walk faster. They have longer legs. They walk in a leisure pace, but their legs are twice longer than mine. The distance that I can cover, they can do it with half the effort. The thing is, most of my friends are like that.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I will be left behind. Sometimes I don't even want to rest because I know I have to double the effort to be able to go to the horizon. Geez, I don't even think that I will get there. I just don't have the willpower and the talent to do so.

I become unhappy.

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I have six months holiday and I used five months and three weeks to work. I have one week to enjoy my holiday (now there are only two days left) at my home, and I feel deeply unsatisfied.

Where are you?
At home after working for two months.

Where are you?
At home after going for a vacation overseas for three months.

Where are you?
At home after going for a Euro trip.

Where are you?
At home, for the whole six months.

I don't even know what I'm doing. I've been grateful for having the work experience, for having the money to buy what I want, for doing something that is maybe more useful than those who truly enjoy their holiday.

But I'm deeply unsatisfied. And unhappy.

And my mother actually expects more from me. She expects me to earn more money from here. She expects me to get a scholarship for university (which I failed to do). She is embarrassed that I didn't get a good result for my exam.

Well I want to go far, but can I? Should I run? Should I take my time?
Every minute that I spend on the internet reading gags, twitter, facebook, tumblr, every minute I use to play games, to watch movies, to read comic books, I feel unease for not using my time to do something useful, something that will add on into my knowledge. Something like learning a new language, studying, playing an instrument, learn how to make a movie or music.

I feel unease in every attempt to enjoy myself.

I want to have a holiday, but I shouldn't. Because I will get left behind by those who walks faster than me, or by those who have longer legs. But actually I don't even think I can get far.

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