Sad because the karate exam overlaps with the Japan trip

 I'm having a trip to Japan with I next month. We've planned this trip since April. And before we planned this trip, I already knew that there's gonna be a karate exam on August. He insisted that August is the only time possible because the other months are not available (I'm going to Lisbon in September and Japan again in October - November).

Then we chose 7-14th August because there's Comiket on 12th and 13th (we're attending the 12th one). We've planned the itinerary, booked the flight and hotel, etc.

Then it was announced that the karate exam is on the 13th.

It's actually possible to reschedule the flight (we bought the ticket that allows for rescheduling). But then we'll need to take the night flight on the 12th. The only available night flight is at 6 PM. That means we only can spend time at Comiket from 11 - 1PM to be able to make it to the airport on time. 

We had a whole debate about this. To me, the karate exam is more important than Comiket. I don't care about the goods, I just want to know what Comiket is like, and I think 2 hours (or 4 hours because we had to queue from 9AM) is more than enough.

He was sad because he was expecting to have a lot of fun with me on Comiket (I don't actually think I will have that much fun) and because it's cut short now, it feels like he'll be "kurang puas" in Japan. He expected that Comiket would be something that both of us enjoy. I doubt that I'll enjoy it that much.

He tried to convince me why I should choose Comiket instead: because it's a big event on a hot summer day and some things are bound to happen, e.g. missing ticket, irritating visitors, mishappens, etc.

I couldn't sleep at night trying to create a counter argument and I actually made an essay that I didn't manage to tell him in the end, so I'm gonna put it here:

I tried to imagine what kind of things might happen during Comiket and to be honest, I couldn't find any that would be a deal breaker. I feel that whatever happens can be resolved, and I know you well enough to be confident to say that I won't find anything about you that will make me want to break up with you. If there's any new side of you that I might see during Comiket, then let me find out about it on other opportunities. 

If you think that you might see a new side of me during Comiket, then it's on you to create other opportunities to find out whatever it is that you're expecting to see. That's your problem, not mine.

That being said, I think "that's your problem" is a selfish thing to say, and I seriously consider your concerns. But in this case, the karate exam is also important to me. I feel that if I decided to give up on it, and in the end you don't find anything new about me, I probably can't help but to regret my decision and think, "I should've gone for the exam instead." And we've agreed that we want to avoid that situation.

So with all these things considered, my conclusion is to prioritise the karate exam.

Before I managed to say that to him, he came up with a plan B where we extend our stay to be from 5-12th August. We'll go to Kawaguchiko fireworks festival and Fuji Q Highland on the 5th and the 6th. When he proposed this, what came to my mind was, "So your main problem is not about whatever bullshit you say about seeing a new side of me?!!!! Your problem is that you will have "less fun" in Japan because the Comiket is cut short??!!!" 

I was like, fine, sounds like a win-win solution. You'll have more fun, and I'll get to attend my karate exam. 

Then we started to find hotels near Kawaguchiko, flights, etc and to be honest the whole thing was a major pain in the ass, mostly because terlalu mepet. Hotels are fully booked, flights are expensive, etc. I almost wanted to throw in the towel and gave up on my karate exam.

And my mum is gaslighting me, saying that the trip is more important, there will be another karate exam in December, I'm only doing karate for fun and not for something serious. She makes me questioning my judgement. Yes there is another exam in December. Delaying the belt for another 3 months shouldn't be a big deal, right?

But my heart doesn't listen to my brain. My heart is disappointed, it's sad, tears are shed. If I feel this sad, that it must be important to me, no?

What you deem important doesn't have to be rational. It's like a kid who treasured his old barbie doll and cried when he lost it, and parents who downplay the importance of the doll by saying "There are so many barbie dolls. I'll buy you another one."

Sad.

--

Edit: a week after I wrote this, I had my period. So probably those tears and all these emotions are because of PMS.

Procrastination

 Let's try to write something for half an hour and decide on the title later.

We're going for a tteokbokki buffet today :)

I had my NipponHippo lesson after a few weeks not attending it. I didn't attend that because I was "busy" preparing for the React training for the team in CS (Belgrade). I put "busy" in quotation mark because I was not busy preparing for the training, I was busy trying to procrastinate doing the training material. I don't know why I procrastinated a lot. 

Firstly, there are so many distractions and I was distracted by them. I identify those distractions and I tried to remove them. But even after doing that, I was still not able to start. I would stare into my computer, and resisting doing it. Why? Why?

Then I will play Stardew Valley while feeling guilty, thinking "It's ok I will only play for one day in-game." Or "It's ok, I still have 3 more days before I have to come up with something". Then in the end I really only did it on the day itself, very last-minute, and the result is kinda sub-par to what I envisioned at the start.

Why?

How to get out of that damn thing? How to just start and not procrastinate at all?

I have no idea. To find out more about this and to tackle this problem, I borrowed some books from the library that hopefully will talk about this issue.

Jen shared a YouTube video about how to beat procrastination. His advise is:

1. Take a walk
2. Decide on a single task
3. Clear to neutral (clear your working environment)
4. Use the "low effort" hack

I need to think about these next time.

So I have Japanese classes on Sunday, one in the morning from 10-13 and another one from 17.00-19.45. From 1 to 5 PM, instead of going back home (which take about 30 mins), I decided to hang around the area to have lunch and do my homework instead. But staying in one place for 4 hours is too much after all. So I decided to stay for 2 hours in a restaurant, and spend the rest on level 21 of the building. Nobody is (hopefully) visiting level 21 of the building on Sunday, so I can just sit on the floor and spend the time reading these books that I borrowed from the library.

Try to write everyday

 Recently there's a question on Quora, what can you do in 5 minutes that can change your life if you do it everyday?

Most of the answers said "meditation". But there's also an answer that says it's good to do journaling. It helps to clear out your thoughts. You can write about anything. So from now on I decided to try writing my scattered thoughts everyday. Let's see how long this will last.

Percakapan

"Liat tuh si ini udah sukses, jabatan tinggi, gaji tinggi, karir cemerlang. Kamu gimana? Kok masih gini-gini aja? Usaha dong suksesin karir kamu."

Males dan itu bikin sedih. Gimana kalo aku ga usah sukses aja?

"Kok kamu ga mau maju sih? Nanti nyesel loh. Nanti kamu umur 40 liat temen-temen kamu udah pada sukses dan maju, terus kamu bakal mikir 'Kok dulu aku ga mau maju ya? Kalo dulu aku mau maju pasti sekarang juga udah maju.'"

"Cobalah maju sedikit-sedikit, walaupun engga secepet temen-temen kamu, seenggaknya maju sedikit. Bertumbuh 1% aja."

Job change

I changed my job from an Automation Engineer to a Front-end Engineer.

Why front-end? I don't know, actually.

I didn't know what exactly I wanted to be. I was considering front-end, back-end, or going into the data side: data engineer, business intelligence engineer, data scientist, machine learning engineer. The problem at that time was that there were too many options and I couldn't decide on one.

Until I found an opportunity of a 3-month part-time bootcamp that focuses on front-end. I wasn't choosing front-end per se. I chose the front-end group because I saw that the project was interesting. It was to create a quiz app to find out how earth-friendly you are. That's very interesting. I didn't have any idea how to create a quiz app. Moreover, the coaches were quite interesting. They were quite well-known in the industry. I believed it would be good to know these people.

Maybe it's fate. So after finishing that, I started looking for a front-end job. And I found some, and ended up here as a front-end engineer.

Talked to my junior about it. He asked, "There are so many computer science graduates. There are so many bootcamp graduates. Aren't you worried that the job market is getting saturated?" Yes, of course that's the truth. At that time, I told him, "Then you just need to be good. There are a lot of mediocre engineers, and few good ones. You just need to be the good one."

Of course, it's easy to say that. I aim to be the good one. I hope I will be able to achieve that.

--

Work so far has been quite fun. I like learning these things that I'm learning. I like creating things and seeing my creation being used by people and helping them. I like working with like-minded people. These people I'm working with (my colleagues, my project manager, my clients) are all passionate about creating website / web app that will truly help people. And we aim for very high standard. We are not satisfied with the as-long-as-it-works quality. And we went the extra mile to ensure this high standards.

It kinda reminded me to the old days, when one of my engineer colleagues told the marketing person, "It works, right?" when he finished the demo kit full of wires. Yes it works, but it's not presentable. From the engineer's point of view, he only cares about the functionality. From the marketing's point of view, the presentation matters, too.

That was the mindset of a mediocre engineer. I agreed with him. I was a mediocre engineer.

From now on, I hope to grow and become a better person.

Good thoughts

It seems that I usually blog when I'm down, or when I want to rant.

Here is something nice.

So this period is my notice period. I tendered my resignation last week and 8th of March will be my last day at work.

I thought to myself, maybe I'll just work for 3 years in the new place, and I can go overseas to take a short course. For example, I can go to Japan to take a 3 months - 1 year Japanese language course.

So I googled how much it would take and how much I should save up. It turns out that it may take around 1.5 million yen, ie around $20k SGD.

That's like, a lot.

If I really have the money, I would think to invest it instead...

So I got depressed.
Maybe it's not realistic. Maybe I would never take a short course in Japan. If I got married surely I won't be able to live my family to take that course.

Then the old devil came. He whispered to me, "How nice, people who are born into a rich family. Look at A and B, they're studying in Japan right now. Isn't that what you've been wanting?"

Well, it's true. If you put it that way, life can be depressing. Imagine living in US, seeing the Hollywood stars and because you're born poor, you know you won't be a Hollywood star. Well, that's not true. Maybe if you work hard enough, you too can be a star.

Taking a short course in Japan is not unrealistic. I can save up and I can achieve it one day. I'm just afraid that the whole experience might not be as good as I expected.

So in this case, is it better to not have a dream at all? You won't feel the feeling of despair that comes from not being able to achieve your dream.

You can choose to despair. But you can also choose to be happy.

To make the best out of the present moment. You can go to Japan and not be happy. But you can choose to be happy, since you're in Japan anyway. I'm not happy because I keep wanting to go to Japan. I keep looking at the future that might not be attainable.

Instead, I should look at the present. I'm currently in Singapore. I should make the most out of my presence in Singapore. Have I explored Singapore? Have I tried all the nice food available? I should make my life in Singapore happy. If I can't even make my present life happy, I won't be able to be happy anywhere else.

Happiness is made by yourself. It's not something that is given to you. You choose to be happy. You can change your condition to make you happy.

--

The current challenge is to lose weight. I don't like how I look and how I feel. Now it's up to me to change it so I can be happier.

Studying Japanese

For studying Japanese, I use Wanikani.

Since end of 2017, I bought Wanikani lifetime (around $300). The lifetime discount offer is only every Christmas period.

I bought the lifetime because I used to subscribe to it monthly, but there are times where I just don't do it. I've skipped it for a year, and I thought it's a waste of money. Thus I decided to buy the lifetime to save money.

At the start of 2019, I decided to take a Japanese class, to motivate myself to study Japanese again. I haven't been studying / using Japanese for 2 years and I forgot a lot of things.

I think it has been effective so far. I got motivated to do well in class. I got motivated to do better than my peers, and I've beeen trying to improve my Japanese outside class.